Bush Doctor in the City. Vol 22
The Bush Doctor, the Bush Nurse and the Witch Doctor sat around a large gourd of palm wine chatting away into the night. They all shared a secret which now bonded them together and enforced a mutual respect.
The Militia attack on the hospital benefited many. The Witch Doctor’s son in-law lamented to the press how his first son was killed in the carnage thus provoking an overwhelming degree of public support for him and his wife. The funeral for the day old baby was well attended while a few miles away the baby was cared for in a ‘Motherless babies’ home.
Donations poured in from mainly private companies for the emergency fund the Commissioner for health set up for the re-construction of the Bush Hospital. He had personally re-opened the hospital which now boasted of separate male and female wards and a new paediatric ward.
The commissioner came to the Bush with over ten pressmen in tow as he had promised historic announcements. In a speech lasting close to an hour he thanked his wife’s Egunje ventures construction for the marvellous work they did on the hospital.
He then announced that Egunje Ventures Electronics had imported 20,000 solar panels and medical fridges for use in all health care establishments. A few eye brows were raised since only four hundred health establishments existed. Once again the state statistician was called upon. Road accidents was old new. Sex was the new killer. HIV was a priority.
‘It is not enough to say don’t smoke and don’t speed. We must now say don’t sex! Sex is the killer. Some die during the act and others after the act from sexually transmitted diseases. The honourable commissioner has ratified the No to the three S strategy’ he announced.
The commissioner returned to announce the launch of the first made in the City condom; the Egunje Ventures condom. The state help board had ordered 10 million of these to wage war on HIV. Those awake clapped.
The Bush Doctor could now read for his USLME exams with power supplied by Solar energy. He also drank cold palm wine out of the medical fridge.
The peace was broken was cries. Young men rushed out of nowhere holding a bed in the air. A white bed sheet covered whoever was on the bed.
‘We heard you were here’ said the Bush King’s son to the Witch Doctor.
‘The great Eagle has left the mountain side’ said another of the Bush Princes.
‘Shut up! That cannot be’ screamed the Witch Doctor. He sprang to his feet and pulled the bed sheet away to reveal the Bush King naked on top a young girl who had both knees touching her shoulders.
‘Get him off the woman’ the Witch Doctor screamed.
‘We tried but they are both death and glued together’ said one of the Bush Princes. The Witch Doctor got all excited and began to say some incantations.
‘Help me’ he said to the Bush Doctor. They lifted off the Bush King and laid him on his back. The sight man the Princes and their helpers to flee into the darkness.
‘Risus Sardonicus!’ exclaimed the Bush Doctor
‘Even in death the royal tower stands erect!’ exclaimed the Witch Doctor.
The Bush Nurse flinched as she looked into dead kings face that bored a devilish smile. She then lowered her gaze. ‘Priapism it is called’ she said.
‘Priapism is for the living. This is Angel’s lust. The City Prison Doctor told me that the men he witnessed being hung developed erections sustained after death.
‘Is nothing not sacred. How dare you discuss the royal tower?’ asked the Witch Doctor looking at the Bush Nurse.
‘More like the leaning tower if you asked me’ she answered. The Witch Doctor remembered their secret; his first grand son of Black parents who came out White and held his peace’.
‘How will that girl fit into a coffin with legs in the air?’ asked the Bush nurse.
‘She’s alive!’ exclaimed the Bush Doctor. He had seen her blink. He checked her pulse then asked his Bush Nurse to get some Diazepam which he promptly gave. Her rigid muscles went floppy and she soon came to herself. She was completely hysterical. The Bush Nurse led her into the female ward and she spoke like she was in a trance, ‘ I have killed the royal father, I have killed the royal father’.
‘I warned that man about these young girls’ said the Witch Doctor.
‘Too much excitement or his seventy five year old heart’ said the Bush Doctor.
‘His wives will soon be here. I will say he died alone and that is what happened. We cannot afford to be the laughing stock of our neighbours’ said the Witch Doctor.
‘You have a point’ said the Bush Doctor.
‘I cannot let them see him like this; dead with an erection. The ancestors forbid it’ said the Witch Doctor. In one deft movement he grabbed the royal phallus and fractured it at base. Blood spurted out of the urethra accompanied by a squelching sound. Most astonishingly, the Bush King let out a most agonizing scream.
‘He must have been in shock only’ whispered the Bush Doctor just realising he had not even felt for the Royal pulse all this time.
‘Let us just say I bought him back from the dead’ said the Witch Doctor.
‘I better get a morphine injection for the Royal bottom’ said the Bush Doctor
A nice and quiet day for the Bush Doctor in the City.
13-7-07. 11am. Speaking to a 25 old man about a musculoskeletal problems when he mentioned his other problem; large prolapsed pile.
I began to think of other people who might make my life easier by coming with pictures.
1. Rashes and lumps that disappear when the patient walks into the surgery.
2. Coughing babies that settle as soon as they walk into the surgery.
3. Lumps and peristalsis visible after feeds (Pyloric stenosis). The abdomen can be videoed.
4. Women with lumps ‘down below’ who want a female Doctor when I am on duty.
5. Swollen knees that have disappeared.
6. Assaulted people with huge bruises that have disappeared.
7. Those requesting medication I have no record of and whose name cannot be remembered can photograph the box (showing dose and strenght).
The list is endless. NHS direct should encourage patients to text pictures of rashes etc to them at night. Free phones for those without proper high quality ……..
14-7-07. 12pm- 6pm. Mansag (Medical association of Nigerian specialists and GPs) West Midland Branch had a weight management awareness day at the Firs & Bromford Sports and Community Centre.
A very rewarding day. Good turn out from the Nigerian GPs and Specialists in West Midlands. Well done