Bush Doctor in the city. Vol 24
The stale airless night was made even worse by the Bush Doctors grumpiness.
‘Now would someone tell me how black market fuel can exist in an oil producing country’ he asked between sips of the palm wine that had so far failed to bring tranquillity to his angered spirit. The Bush Nurse watched him in silence. The way a mother watched a favourite child. With a knowing smile.
‘Imagine a new born babe buying black market breast milk. Just imagine that. Can never happen’ he said
‘Can happen’ said the Bush nurse.
‘Tell me how o great beauty queen’ said the Bush Doctor angrily. It was her tone of voice. Made him feel like a little boy. The Bush nurse laughed.
‘Now, the stupid husband has bought powerful breast pumps from his foreign partners and they sucked mama dry. They have exported all the milk abroad. Stupid husband has now imported back the milk but sold it on to other babies save his own’ she said.
‘Well said. Why should his babe starve when distant mouths feed on the milk. Why o queen of mine?’
‘You are my subject, not my king’ said the Bush nurse.
They both laughed. The Bush Doctor had lost all his vaccines because the fridge had become an oven in the tropical heat of the dark forest. For three weeks the electric generator had not seen diesel due to an acute fuel shortage in the city.
The Bush nurse moved closer and began to massage the Bush Doctor’s neck.
‘Can you imagine the Witch Doctor in London with that wife of his?’ asked the Bush Doctor.
‘You like her don’t you? I see the way you look at her’ said the Bush Nurse.
‘No. I just wonder what she finds in him. She is barely twenty five’ said the Bush Doctor.
‘You lie too much’. She continued with the massage.
‘I just remembered, what is the Thyroid stimulating hormone thing. My sister says her levels are high and her Thyroid hormone is low. Confusing’ said the Bush Nurse.
‘Did you not tell her we don’t do too many blood tests in the bush. How would I know, my queen?’
‘You know everything o great Doctor’ teased the Bush Nurse.
‘You have a good point there’.
‘I see modesty is not your strong point’ said the Bush Nurse.
In a scene reminiscent of his youth, when his maternal grandma told the children in the compound tales at moonlight he proceeded to unravel the mysteries of the thyroid gland.
‘My beauty queen, I know you loved Charlton Heston; may his soul rest in peace. I also know you loved that Ben Hur film. Now picture this. Ben Hur stands on his horse drawn chariot in need of speed. When the horses run slowly he whips them a thousand lashes to get his speed back. With time, the horses get muscular, bigger and stronger. When the speed gets too severe, the whip is rested. However, hear this, when the muscular hypertrophied horses cannot run despite the whipping, a most fascinating thing happens. The unresponsive horses are replaced with powerful motorbikes which pull the chariot along’ said the Bush Doctor. He sipped slowly on his palm wine.
‘You are going mad in this Bush, my dear subject’ said the Bush Nurse.
‘Insane? No. A tropical genius? Yes. Now, I uncover the mystery. Ben Hur is the Brain. The whip is the Thyroid stimulating Hormone. The Horses are the Thyroid gland and when they get muscular they become the Goitre. Speed is the naturally produced Thyroxine and the powerful motor bikes are the supplemental Thyroxine tablets. I hope my queen is pleased’ said the Bush Doctor bowing his head.
‘Bravo, bravo! More than pleased. Light has come into my beautiful brain’ said the Bush Nurse.
I say and do strange things at work. Sounds alright at the time but on reflection, well that’s another matter. I talk all day and it isn’t scripted, so from time to time one does put one’s foot in it.
68 year old man with frequency of micturition which I think might be a Prostate problem. I order a PSA test and say ‘this blood test will help us get to the bottom of this problem’
87 year old with puffy legs. ‘How old are you now?’ Sounded odd. Next time will ask, ‘what is your current age?’. Not that there is anything too bad with the first question, it just sounded wrong.
60 year old man with gastroenteritis requested a home visit. I said, ‘watch your back. Diarrhoea is contagious’ to his wife
4week old baby with Millia on his face .Now this was so embarrassing. Mum and Grand mum were worried about this baby’s rash- nothing but Keratin filled cysts on the skin. So I thought , ‘why not bring up some internet images to show how common Millia is’. When I hit the search button, I felt like an earthquate should engulf the room. How was I to know there existed a Millia Rage? Some strange character who fights with her hair. How was I to know that some cartoonist with too much time on his hands had drawn a naked version of her on the web.
No more ‘live’ internet searches for me!